|Kelly and Torsten|
My yoga buddy Torsten and I finished the Rogerstv show, Hot Yoga Tales.
The days leading up to the final taping of the 45 minute Hot Yoga shows were difficult for me.
I had agreed to this volunteer commitment months earlier and always assumed that there would be between 8 and 10 participants and the instructor. Instead, Rogerstv after a site visit, decided to have one teacher and 2 participants. No.Blending.In. Yikes.
Every insecurity and thought related to self acceptance was being challenged. It felt like every strength I had developed in my thought life about body image and identity and spirituality was being tested. It was much like the test my muscles endured learning yoga poses. It was "planking" of the mind and I wasn't sure I could follow through.
Several things helped.
I sent out an email to a few friends to admit my insecurity, "I actually feel a lot of pressure to do the yoga well, but mostly, it's 45 minutes in figure revealing work out clothes, on camera, that is bothering me." I knew I had to fight my tendency to hide out and cry. I asked some women to pray for me.
My sweet neighbour listened and suggested some retail therapy. She firmly said, "you need a new top." The day we planned did not pan out because my little Caleb was home sick and throwing up. With a quick jaunt to the grocery store, I netted several work out items to try on.
Months earlier I had stumbled across the Curvy Yoga Matifesto and I revisited it. Two lines were helpful for me.
loving your own body opens the door for others to love theirs...
time we spent criticizing our bodies is now spent chasing our dreams...A childhood friend, echoed the sentiment of the first line when she said to me, "do it (this show) for women everywhere..." Somehow that helped me.
There was this woman at the gym who randomly said, "aren't you taking a year to live athletically?" I was gently reminded in my Spirit that change takes time and I was about 4 months in with this dream to live a healthy life. I am rich in time.
A blog post by Gary Morland as part of his Everything Fits series helped me to remember and recognize that self-obsession and worry is not helpful as did this fabulous song by Jason Mraz, entitled, "Living in the Moment."
Doing the Dr. Oz 3-day-detox-cleanse helped to reduce bloating and I felt as though my eyes and skin glowed, even though I would be nowhere near skinny. I liked it. I was challenged to stay the course of living my life without processed sugar and coffee and felt proud of the accomplishment of drinking 4 blended shakes a day made of healthy food.
The Weightless blog has practical advice. It went beyond positive statements to just simply do this or do that. I found there were lots of suggestions to consider, for the middle place. That place where the positive statements feel fake and have no effect. There were actions I could take, for example,
"Taking self-portraits is a vulnerable act. Many of us barely like looking in the mirror. So capturing ourselves with a camera — a sort of permanent image — feels uncomfortable, silly and even scary." Thank-you Weightless blog for helping to normalize some of my feelings.
Vivienne McMaster wrote beautifully on self-portraiture, and while I am not in control of the Rogerstv cameras or post-production, it helped put my mind in a better frame.
|part of the production and camera crew|
|snapped by friend Laura at her front door|
I had committed to learning some yoga and my body has benefited from the lengthening and strengthening. I have filled my journal with reflections on yoga and how slowing down, breathing and stretching fits in my life.
I like the practise in yoga of setting an intention. The final day of taping I set an intention for gratitude (always helpful) and FUN! Snapping pics made it fun for me and seemed to lighten the mood of all the nervous participants.
At the outset of this journey I had a really cool moment that I blogged about:
...the only person who needs to accept all of me, is ME.
So when this beautiful, self-obsessing, broken and healed woman was doing yoga in front of a team of camera and production people, all the while knowing that it will be aired, she was often smirking to herself and thinking, "this curvy suburban woman is having a grand adventure...living the dream." In those moments the fear dissipated, perfect love was driving it out.
Love has the run of this house, this soul. A journey that I once thought impossible is unfolding.
thanks for reading and keep moving,